no one would believe me

My dad…. I love him to pieces. He is a great dad, funny, he takes good care of my momma, but just like you and me, he has quirks.

He’s kind of a tech geek. He always has the newest thing, or he’s taking something apart to make it work better, or he rigs something up, I could go on and on. I sort of inherited this curiosity from him, like that one time I took the lawnmower apart and put it back together. I also really like building furniture.

Anyway, so last night I got home, having gone out to purchase some rather, ahem, well I needed some things and it was kind of an urgent purchase. I get out of the car and the porch light is off, and this complicates things because I can’t see my keys, and I can’t find my house key, and I’m holding my purse, and a bag, and my phone in case I get mugged in my drive way and I couldn’t FIND MY FREAKING HOUSE KEY AND THEN

FLASH!

Oh yes, a flash. Like, from a camera. Like, blinding white light, scared the crap out of me flash. And I can’t even begin to tell you my thought process at this moment.

Something just took my picture.
Weird.
Wait….How do I look?
When’s the last time I brushed my hair?
Is my dad, in fact, hiding in the bushes?

And by now I can see again and I look up, and attached to the porch rail is this thing. It’s like, a thing that takes pictures when it detects motion. So I think maybe it’s an anti-theft device, but then I see it’s bungee cabled to the post and if a burglar came and this thing FLASHED! in his face, he’d see that it wasn’t really attached to the post and he’d just take it.

And I started giggling. And I look around thinking this must be a joke, but no, it’s just me standing in the driveway, holding my bag of things, and my purse, and my phone, and my keys, laughing.

My next thought was, “I really want to blog about this, but no one would believe me.”

And then my dad e-mailed me this:

I would like for you to note, gentle reader, that the flash was so bright that it illuminated the metal on the door across the street from our house.

I found out this morning that this motion camera was merely being tested last night. It was, in fact,  purchased to figure out what is trying to kill my grandmother’s chickens in Polk City. Another story for another time.

Just for kicks

Go check out my buddy Michael’s blog. He’s a quarter Japanese trip.

I got to spend some time at lunch Monday with his son, Josh. I love that kid.

Is this REALLY how you got here?!

Let’s take a minute to discuss the random Google searches that are sending people to my blog. The actual search terms are in purple.

“Phoenix Tattoo”
I’d just like to take a moment and clear up the fact that I do not have a phoenix tattoo. I do have a good story about my cousin, who asked one time that all his guy friends henceforth refer to him as “Phoenix.” I have a husband, who one time had a tattoo of a phoenix and got it covered up. MY tattoo is a music note, located in an area that might cause you to refer to me as a tramp. Hopefully, you mean like “Lady and the Tramp.”

“700 dollars fat camp”
Now, I participate in this fun little community of “fat camp” that my husband started. If you would like to pay the 700 dollars to join, send your money to me. I will introduce you to my new friend, Jillian. Also, “700 dollars fat camp” is not a sentence.

“Far Side”
I do live in the far side. The “farce-side” really. I’m not sure if you found what you were looking for while you were searching for the far side. The right side has a lot of rules and you might not be able to get in there. Tough bouncer. The left side is letting everyone in, and it might be crowded. The front side is usually the favourite (<— I can be British!)  as it is what we see most often. Whatever you do, do not go for the back side.

“Emily the strange Jesus”
I should probably clear this up right now, as it could cause mass confusion: I am not Jesus. I just work for the guy. If I were though, I would probably be a strange one for sure. Unless you liked the movie Dogma.

If you blog, check your stats and tell me the funniest Google search that’s gotten people to you.

chronic vs. acute

You know by now I like to keep this blog real.

One of my mentors today made a joke about cursing. He said “I’m a chronic cusser, not an acute cusser”, which made me laugh really hard.

And it made me thing really hard (that was supposed to say *think*, but that typo is really funny so I’m leaving it. And I’m Irish). Because I really dig the power of words, especially curse words. I’m not supposed to say things like that, but oh well. A well placed curse word can do wonders for your day.

I have a goal with my staff (aka the people that work for me for events/sundays/etc.) that if they can go 3 weeks without hearing me curse I am being a “good leader”, and that rarely happens. I’m sure they will comment and testify to that fact.

So I thought I would ask you, web friends, how’s your mouth doing? Are you a chronic cusser, or an acute cusser? You can go here to see the difference between chronic and acute.

I think I’m a recovering chronic cusser with acute relapses. Ha.

it’s just research

Let’s talk about last night, when Mike and I wandered aimlessly around Lakeland with $350 cash. Another blog, another day.

Me: Can we go to Target?

Mike: Sure, what do you need?

Me: I want to try on one of those Monokini bathing suits

———15 minutes later————

Me: AAAAAHHHHHH (walking out of the fitting rooms). [to the lady at the desk] Designed by Satan?

Lady at desk: (polite laughter) We get that a lot.

Later we decide that we want to purchase some books because:

A. We like to read. Mike has recently re-discovered this in his life.

B. We are not smart and we want to be smarter.

C. Reading is cheaper than going to a bar.

So we go to the book section and Mike picks out a few things, I grab “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.”

**You see blog buddies, I’ve wanted to read that book since I was…I don’t know, 16-ish. I am an only child. I know NOTHING about pregnancy. I’ve never seen it, never been around it. I am just curious.

I HAVE NO DESIRE FOR A CHILD RIGHT NOW. I’m thinking 30 looks like a good age to start thinking about kids. Thinking. Not making.

But I feel like I should find out what to expect while I’m expecting BEFORE the stick turns pink and there’s no turning back. I mean, isn’t that the WISE THING TO DO?!***End Rant.

Me: Mike, do you care if I get this? It’s 13 dollars.

Mike: [blink blink]

Me: I’m not pregnant

Mike: then why do you want it?

Me: (see rant above, only louder, and in Target)

Mike: You don’t need that book. Save if for when you’re pregnant (see he heard NOTHING of what I said before)

So I am befuddled and I can’t figure out why he is so freaked about a book, so I asked one of my guy friends about it. Here was his reponse:

“…but you should understand that men hear “expecting” and everything freaks out – we want kids, but we also love our freedom, and kids change that, and we just committed to marriage, and a kid poops in her pants, and we then need babysitters, and we have to pay for college, and teach them how to play t-ball and ride bikes, and we barely have enough time for each other, so how are we going to cram another little human into our lives, and what is it going to do to my wife and our relationship and will she love the kid more than me and will she even notice me and what’s up with the 6 weeks thing and what’s up with your hormones and what about the cravings and can we afford this and WHY DOES SHE WANT A BABY RIGHT NOW AND WE JUST BOUGHT A HOUSE WHAT IS SHE THINKING WE HAVEN’T EVEN MOVED IN YET AND SHE’S PICKING OUT COLORS FOR THE NURSERY AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT SCHOOL DISTRICT WE ARE AND SHE WANTS ME TO TILE THE FLOORS AND THE KID’S GONNA HIT HIS HEAD ON THE FLOOR AND BLEED OUT ALL OVER THE PLACE AND I’M GONNA GO TO JAIL AND I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE I WANT TO WORK OR WHAT I REALLY WANT TO DO WITH THE REST OF MY LIFE AND SHE’S ALL “LET’S HAVE A KID” AND I’M ALL “GET AWAY FROM ME” BUT I’M A GUY SO I CAN’T REALLY BE “GET AWAY FROM ME” SO SHE’S HOLDING ALL THE CARDS AND I FEEL LIKE I’M LOSING CONTROL AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S COMING AND SHE’S THE WOMAN, SO SHE INHERENTLY COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDS WHAT’S COMING AND IT’S NOT FAIR AND I. HAVE. NO. CONTROL. ANYMORE.”

Oh.
Well why didn’t he just say that?

1bandeaumonotrianglehaltertankiniwrap

You ladies know what I’m talking about. SWIM SUIT SEASON!

cue: climactic moment music DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUN.

Yes, it is coming around the mountain faster than you can say, “crap, i wish I hadn’t eaten that frosty!” I had a plan to loose a few pounds before I tried to squeeze myself into a suit (just kidding), but that isn’t going to happen for a few reasons.

1. I am lazy.
2. I am not fat enough that I am bothered by the fact that I am getting fatter. Think about that.
3. My ankle might be injured.

So here’s what I want to know from THE LADIES: what type of suit do you wear and why? Here’s what Target is offering as options: triangle bikini, bandeau binkini, monokini, whole piece, the thing with the little skirt, tankini.

Here’s what I want to know from THE GUYS: do you really care what kind of bathing suit a chick wears? elaborate.

Talk to me.

i love screen capture

I promised you guys from the blog meeting last night that I had something special for ya.

Now you see it. Mike and Travis making out in a video chat.

It looks like Travis might’ve gotten to second base.

Peep Show

If you say this doesn’t make you happy, you’re lying. 

Face In Hole

I am sure this site will bring me hours of entertainment.

Here are some of my friends (click the pic to get to their blogs):

Caption Contest

So this is from our honeymoon. We got home and started looking through our pictures, and we have no idea what Mike was doing. Like, seriously, we can’t figure it out. So give it your best caption and you will surely get a prize (and stop calling me Shirley!).

(Bonus points if anyone can figure out what he was doing)

Good Luck!