My dad…. I love him to pieces. He is a great dad, funny, he takes good care of my momma, but just like you and me, he has quirks.

He’s kind of a tech geek. He always has the newest thing, or he’s taking something apart to make it work better, or he rigs something up, I could go on and on. I sort of inherited this curiosity from him, like that one time I took the lawnmower apart and put it back together. I also really like building furniture.

Anyway, so last night I got home, having gone out to purchase some rather, ahem, well I needed some things and it was kind of an urgent purchase. I get out of the car and the porch light is off, and this complicates things because I can’t see my keys, and I can’t find my house key, and I’m holding my purse, and a bag, and my phone in case I get mugged in my drive way and I couldn’t FIND MY FREAKING HOUSE KEY AND THEN

FLASH!

Oh yes, a flash. Like, from a camera. Like, blinding white light, scared the crap out of me flash. And I can’t even begin to tell you my thought process at this moment.

Something just took my picture.
Weird.
Wait….How do I look?
When’s the last time I brushed my hair?
Is my dad, in fact, hiding in the bushes?

And by now I can see again and I look up, and attached to the porch rail is this thing. It’s like, a thing that takes pictures when it detects motion. So I think maybe it’s an anti-theft device, but then I see it’s bungee cabled to the post and if a burglar came and this thing FLASHED! in his face, he’d see that it wasn’t really attached to the post and he’d just take it.

And I started giggling. And I look around thinking this must be a joke, but no, it’s just me standing in the driveway, holding my bag of things, and my purse, and my phone, and my keys, laughing.

My next thought was, “I really want to blog about this, but no one would believe me.”

And then my dad e-mailed me this:

I would like for you to note, gentle reader, that the flash was so bright that it illuminated the metal on the door across the street from our house.

I found out this morning that this motion camera was merely being tested last night. It was, in fact,  purchased to figure out what is trying to kill my grandmother’s chickens in Polk City. Another story for another time.

That is not true, really.

But I will get to shoot one today! My cousin (who is basically the only sibling-type person I ever had in my life, so he’s more like a brother) is taking me to a shooting range. This is especially cool because when we were little, we used to shoot bb guns together all the time. I hope bb guns is spelled like that.
Either way, I’m pretty excited about it, and I will possibly have pictures if someone brings a camera, ’cause I left mine at home.

This is not my first time w/ a gun, as you may have seen here. My skills (oh yes, there were skills) have been on a steady decline since I hit puberty and traded my bb gun for clear mascara and cover girl lipstick. We’ll see if we can fix that today.

***Update***

I shot good.

Let’s talk about last night, when Mike and I wandered aimlessly around Lakeland with $350 cash. Another blog, another day.

Me: Can we go to Target?

Mike: Sure, what do you need?

Me: I want to try on one of those Monokini bathing suits

———15 minutes later————

Me: AAAAAHHHHHH (walking out of the fitting rooms). [to the lady at the desk] Designed by Satan?

Lady at desk: (polite laughter) We get that a lot.

Later we decide that we want to purchase some books because:

A. We like to read. Mike has recently re-discovered this in his life.

B. We are not smart and we want to be smarter.

C. Reading is cheaper than going to a bar.

So we go to the book section and Mike picks out a few things, I grab “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.”

**You see blog buddies, I’ve wanted to read that book since I was…I don’t know, 16-ish. I am an only child. I know NOTHING about pregnancy. I’ve never seen it, never been around it. I am just curious.

I HAVE NO DESIRE FOR A CHILD RIGHT NOW. I’m thinking 30 looks like a good age to start thinking about kids. Thinking. Not making.

But I feel like I should find out what to expect while I’m expecting BEFORE the stick turns pink and there’s no turning back. I mean, isn’t that the WISE THING TO DO?!***End Rant.

Me: Mike, do you care if I get this? It’s 13 dollars.

Mike: [blink blink]

Me: I’m not pregnant

Mike: then why do you want it?

Me: (see rant above, only louder, and in Target)

Mike: You don’t need that book. Save if for when you’re pregnant (see he heard NOTHING of what I said before)

So I am befuddled and I can’t figure out why he is so freaked about a book, so I asked one of my guy friends about it. Here was his reponse:

“…but you should understand that men hear “expecting” and everything freaks out – we want kids, but we also love our freedom, and kids change that, and we just committed to marriage, and a kid poops in her pants, and we then need babysitters, and we have to pay for college, and teach them how to play t-ball and ride bikes, and we barely have enough time for each other, so how are we going to cram another little human into our lives, and what is it going to do to my wife and our relationship and will she love the kid more than me and will she even notice me and what’s up with the 6 weeks thing and what’s up with your hormones and what about the cravings and can we afford this and WHY DOES SHE WANT A BABY RIGHT NOW AND WE JUST BOUGHT A HOUSE WHAT IS SHE THINKING WE HAVEN’T EVEN MOVED IN YET AND SHE’S PICKING OUT COLORS FOR THE NURSERY AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT SCHOOL DISTRICT WE ARE AND SHE WANTS ME TO TILE THE FLOORS AND THE KID’S GONNA HIT HIS HEAD ON THE FLOOR AND BLEED OUT ALL OVER THE PLACE AND I’M GONNA GO TO JAIL AND I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE I WANT TO WORK OR WHAT I REALLY WANT TO DO WITH THE REST OF MY LIFE AND SHE’S ALL “LET’S HAVE A KID” AND I’M ALL “GET AWAY FROM ME” BUT I’M A GUY SO I CAN’T REALLY BE “GET AWAY FROM ME” SO SHE’S HOLDING ALL THE CARDS AND I FEEL LIKE I’M LOSING CONTROL AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S COMING AND SHE’S THE WOMAN, SO SHE INHERENTLY COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDS WHAT’S COMING AND IT’S NOT FAIR AND I. HAVE. NO. CONTROL. ANYMORE.”

Oh.
Well why didn’t he just say that?

My cuz Ericka just posted this pic of me and Mike with her brand new gorgeous daughter, Kalli. It was at Christmas time.

How sweet is that? I think Mike even got a smile out of her.

Mine called me last night to tell me she was very entertained by my blog and that I am demented I am taking this a great compliment.

Well momma Sharon, this is your shout out! Wooohoooo.  Thanks for reading.

This should get me some points, right?

Mike’s step dad just came by. He drops by at least once a week to give me cookies and tell me how awesome I am.

This time he included something extra with the cookies.

It’ll be a virgin.

Don’t worry.

Do I look knocked up to you?

I had 3 different people ask me if I was pregnant yesterday. THREE. One even offered me congratulations (she had me confused with someone else, but still). A guy I used to work with asked me if I was, then I got the congratulations, then my mom called and said my dad’s secretary had a dream about him (My dad) with a little boy that was his grandchild. I’m an only child, so that grandchild would be my kid. That’s kind of freaky.

Let me just clarify:

I have several friends who have just had a baby, or they’re trying to have a baby, or they’re worried about getting pregnant, or they want me to have a baby. All this is stressing me out plenty without me actually trying to have one.

I’m not sure how I feel about it. I don’t want something else to have complete control over my body for 10 months. I don’t really feel right about bringing more children into the world when there are so many suffering in our country and others that need good homes. I could definitely take someone else’s child and raise it as my own. I mean, if I have to deal with my own kid kicking me in the ribs for 6 months, how maternal can I feel when it comes out? What if I want to kick it back?

Tell me parents,

How do you feel about pregnancy?

My man “officially” graduated from Florida Southern College this past weekend. He’s had his diploma since August but he decided to participate in the ceremony for his family and his crazy wife who wanted pictures and video. I have a video but I can’t edit it b/c I just got Leopard and it’s wiggin me out. Maybe someday I will post it.

Until then, congrats hunny.
I’m proud.