no one would believe me

My dad…. I love him to pieces. He is a great dad, funny, he takes good care of my momma, but just like you and me, he has quirks.

He’s kind of a tech geek. He always has the newest thing, or he’s taking something apart to make it work better, or he rigs something up, I could go on and on. I sort of inherited this curiosity from him, like that one time I took the lawnmower apart and put it back together. I also really like building furniture.

Anyway, so last night I got home, having gone out to purchase some rather, ahem, well I needed some things and it was kind of an urgent purchase. I get out of the car and the porch light is off, and this complicates things because I can’t see my keys, and I can’t find my house key, and I’m holding my purse, and a bag, and my phone in case I get mugged in my drive way and I couldn’t FIND MY FREAKING HOUSE KEY AND THEN

FLASH!

Oh yes, a flash. Like, from a camera. Like, blinding white light, scared the crap out of me flash. And I can’t even begin to tell you my thought process at this moment.

Something just took my picture.
Weird.
Wait….How do I look?
When’s the last time I brushed my hair?
Is my dad, in fact, hiding in the bushes?

And by now I can see again and I look up, and attached to the porch rail is this thing. It’s like, a thing that takes pictures when it detects motion. So I think maybe it’s an anti-theft device, but then I see it’s bungee cabled to the post and if a burglar came and this thing FLASHED! in his face, he’d see that it wasn’t really attached to the post and he’d just take it.

And I started giggling. And I look around thinking this must be a joke, but no, it’s just me standing in the driveway, holding my bag of things, and my purse, and my phone, and my keys, laughing.

My next thought was, “I really want to blog about this, but no one would believe me.”

And then my dad e-mailed me this:

I would like for you to note, gentle reader, that the flash was so bright that it illuminated the metal on the door across the street from our house.

I found out this morning that this motion camera was merely being tested last night. It was, in fact,  purchased to figure out what is trying to kill my grandmother’s chickens in Polk City. Another story for another time.

Life Lessons

This post has a serious title, but I’m sure the content will entertain you.

So I went to test drive a car recently.  I should’ve become suspicious when the guy said, “Yeah, um, it needs a new battery. I can buy you one today. But before you drive it, I’ll need to jump it.” “Ok,”I said, “no problem.”

STUPID.

So he jumped it, it ran fine, I pulled onto OBT (Orange Blossom Trail in Orlando, Florida, for all you out-of-towners) and made it about one hundred feet to a red light, where the car promptly ran out of gas. So I turned the hazards on, and they worked great. For a minute. Because, yes, you guessed it. Bad battery = no charge = car hazard lights not working… on OBT.

While I was standing there yelling on my iPhone at the dealership guys to come get me, directing traffic around “my car”, a group of nice young men across the street came and pushed me off the side of the road into a pay-by-the-hour motel parking lot. They didn’t speak much English, but they waved a lot.

Did I mention I was wearing a tank top and shorts in the ghetto?

So the dealership guys came and got me and put gas in the car, and jumped the battery again, and believe it or not I still wanted to take it out and see how it drove. But alas, alack, even with gas and the battery recharged, it broke down again…on OBT….again.

So I politely asked to be taken back to my car, like, RIGHT NOW. AND WHAT ARE YOU THINKING SENDING ME OUT ALONE IN A CAR THAT YOU KNOW WON’T WORK?! I omitted the profanity for you.

So, we’ve learned some life lessons here.

1. If you’re going to test drive a car, check the gas gauge before you go.
2. Make someone ride with you from the dealership. Yeah, they just handed me the keys and told me to go.
3. If they have to jump the battery or fix something before you ride off the lot, reconsider immediately.
4. If you are a 100 pound white girl, don’t go test drive cars on OBT by yourself.

Dr. Martinez

I’ve been thinking about my college spanish professor a lot, and how much she might enjoy this story.

There are a lot of people I come into contact with who speak little to no English. I think it’s awesome, ’cause it gives me a chance to butcher Spanish, and try to communicate with them. We also have a ton of little kids come into our store, and that always brightens my day.

The perfect mix of course, is a spanish speaking 4 year old.

She walked right up to me and smiled so big, with her big brown eyes, and I smiled and said, “Hi! Se habla espanol?” Which, I don’t even know if that’s right.(@fezriel, is that right? Can I do twitters in a blog post? Did I just cause a hole in the space time continuum?)

Anyway, I said se habla espanol.

And she looked right up at me and grinned and said, “Yeah.”

Me gusta.

Mother’s Day is coming up.

There’s a line in a Gilmore Girl’s episode where sixteen-year-old Rory says,

“I need you, I need you here, I need you now, I cannot do this alone, I need my mommy and damn it, I don’t care who knows it!”

I second that.

sick day

i was having a weird day at work today. my feet hurt. i didn’t want to be there. i was missing people. i was zoning out and completely missing customers that walked in.

and then one of my coworkers called in sick. she sounded bad. bad bad. i talked to her when she called, i asked her if i could do anything for her. she said no. i told her i made amazing chicken noodle soup, and she laughed (did someone warn her about my cooking skills?!) and said no thanks, and i made sure she had my cell phone number and to call me if she needed something. but she laughed.

and i suddenly felt much better.

so much new.

new job.

new schedule.

new clothes.

new pay.

new language.

new aches.

new friends.

new insecurities.

new ways to make a fool of myself.

new opportunities to be a good employee.

new people to lead.

lots of new.

I, um…yeah.

Lately, I am a hermit.

Lots of changes in my life. Some painful. Some exhilarating. And the energy I can usually use to be a “hanger-outer”, well, it is sucked into the “trying to stay alive” part of me.

I quit my job 2 weeks ago. I needed a change. And Thursday afternoon, when I walked out of there, I was devastated. I love my job. But 5 years….5 years is a long time, and I knew, and I know in my heart, it was time for me to move on. I am still excited about things going on at RidgePoint. Changes are being made for the better, and I wish I could still be there day to day to see them all come to fruition.

I’ll still be around. I’m singing Sunday morning, for the first time in ages. I am very excited to be on stage with Gabe and Rebecca, and all the other amazingly talented musicians we have. I’m excited that my volunteers are so incredible. I’m excited about the opportunities they have now, to step up and really show what they’re made of. I hope soon they’ll call me, and I’ll get to volunteer for them.

Anyway, that’s me, and that’s why I’ve been so quiet lately.

Oh yeah, my new job. Well, it’s retail. It’s crazy, but I’ve always wanted to do it. I love the challenge of it, the people, the routines, the measurables. I love managing talented teams, and I can’t believe I get that opportunity again. I get to go back out, leave church world, and hopefully show some people that Christians aren’t weird. Well, yeah ok ok I hear you laughing. Yes, I am still weird. I’m still me after all. I’m just excited about the possibility of having some influence in people’s lives. People who aren’t in church every week.

So soon I should have some good stories. Maybe I’ll spruce up the blog.

Wish me luck.

Can I borrow someone’s baby?

I really need to clean my house.

(Sorry about the weird ad thing at the end of the video, I couldn’t find a clean version and Vimeo and WordPress aren’t playing well together…)

But someone is a freaking genius. Seriously.

I wonder if they make one I could attach to Puma…

Budget

I don’t know if you guys are feeling the economic crunch like I am.

Mostly it feels like that moment right before the roller coaster goes down the first huge hill, and you think to yourself, “Who talked me into this…?” If you know me, you know I edited gratuitous profanity out of that statement.

Anyway, last month at RPC we had a financial seminar, and I’ve been using Dave Ramsey’s budgeting system since then. I’ve always been good with money, but I’ve slacked off in the past few years. Ramsey encourages you to account for every cent of your income, allocating it before you even get the check, so you aren’t tempted to blow it on shtuff.

I’ve been budgeting this way since February 2nd, and I’ve been able to pay all of my bills, have some fun money for clothes and eating out, and put just over $600 in my savings account. How nuts is that? I never thought I’d be able to do that.

Feel free to share any tips or tricks you have with me. It’s kind of fun playing a management game with yourself.

Green M&Ms

Please tell me some of you have heard the story about green m&ms. Because no one in my circle, besides my mother, knows about them.

Green m&ms make you…well. They are an aphrodesiac, or so the story goes.

We were talking about it at church yesterday (yes, people talk about sex at church!) and people were looking at me like I had 3 heads when I told them about green m&ms.

But now, I have proof:

SEE?!?!?!!? SEE SEE SEE?

Told ya.

P.S. these are available at the 7-11 on Recker Hwy and Spirit Lake Rd. if you need to buy a bag for your significant other.

P.P.S. you’re welcome.